On Goal Setting.

Goals come with grit.

As we head into a new year, lots of information can be found about how to set goals, or how to stick to your goals. From a counselling perspective, this is where I find a disconnect. Yes, creating SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely) is the way to approach actually setting your goals. Yes, people should create a series of mini goals leading to their long term goal (i.e. short term, medium term, and long term goals). Yes, there should be some sort of reward system built into your goal setting program. But, this article isn’t about how to set goals. It’s about what you do after you have made them.

Here lies the disconnect in counselling, in training, and in practice. Anyone can create a goal plan on paper and receive an A+ for their work. But, why do so few people actually achieve their goals? People can be creative with their excuses, saying they didn’t have social support - like an unreliable work out partner, or their life suddenly became more stressful, as well as a plethora of other reasons. Granted some can be valid, like being hospitalized or injured, but for the vast majority of people it really boils down to the fact that it became too hard, they got too tired, they got stagnated and didn’t see any forward progress, or something else entirely distracted them and got their attention.

Most of us will make goals or New Year’s resolutions, and most of us will abandon them at some point along the year. We all start off with the right intent (i.e. we are motivated), but then what happens? In counselling, this is my caveat to motivational work. We can get a client all riled up, like we were throwing a pep rally, and the client will say they are very determined, yet when they come back the following week they have been completely derailed and the air is out of their balloon - perhaps even the same day as they got motivated. Here lies the problem. Goal setting is a strategy or a technique. Motivation is a feeling. But, to complete your goals you need more than strategy and feeling. You need grit and a really good purpose. Both of those come from within and can’t be taught.

Not enough work is done in counselling to build grit. Grit, or determination and perseverance, varies person to person. Some people will give up and roll over in defeat at the first instance of resistance to their plan, or at the first instance of discomfort. Others will snarl and say bring it on. Grit is based on many factors, and is kind of like a personality characteristic - some have more of it, and some have less. But, grit is developed through experiencing discomfort or hardship, and coming out stronger and more resilient. However, even grit will get you so far. If the reason why you are setting goals, and the reason why you want to succeed, is not a strong enought reason, then inevitably every goal you set will result in failure. I am not being pessimistic, I'm just saying the truth. The outcome you are trying to reach has to be worth the hardship to get there. The drive behind why you are doing it is the motivation factor pushing you forward, not the pep rally we hold with clients to raise their motivation levels.

What is your purpose, or as Eric Thomas always says, what is your why? This is the most fundamental question any counsellor, trainer, or goal setter should ask. Why are you here? Why do you want to do this? This question will set the tempo for everything else that follows in the goal setting process. But, honestly, there should always be a series of follow up whys to their initial why question - kind of like a toddler repeating "why", over and over again. Both in counselling ,or training, people will always start with “fluff” answers to their why - these are their whys, but not really juicy and highly motivating whys. Think of the following simple example:

Trainer: what are your goals?

Client: to lose weight.

Trainer: why do you want to lose weight?

Client: I’m going on a vacation in two months and I want to look good on the beach.

Here is where most people would stop asking the why questions, thinking they’ve got the motivational reason for their client dialed in. But what happens when this client stops coming to their appointments? Maybe the trainer would assume that they didn’t really want to look good on the beach, or they simply didn’t have what it takes to get a beach ready body. But let's continue with more whys:

Trainer: why’s it important that you look good at the beach? Why do you really want that?

Client: I’ve always been fat, even since I was a kid. I don’t want to be the fat person anymore, especially on vacation. I also want my wife to think I’m sexy. I’m afraid she doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

(obviously, you can go deeper than this but this illustrates the point)

Bingo. Now you have something that is juicy and really motivating to the client. They want the admiration of their wife, and they want to feel more confident. Perhaps they want to rekindle the spark in the relationship. Perhaps they want to build their

self-confidence and self-esteem. Obviously a trainer wouldn’t take the therapy part further, but now you know the clients purpose and can help keep them movtivated with these reasons. The why - the insecurity from childhood, and their wanting to make their wife happy, are the motivating factors that can keep them going when other things pull their motivation away. Ironically in this example, the more they train the more their self confidence would increase, and their body would change - these become self motivating factors in their own.

But the point is, a persons why - the reason they want a behaviour change - has to be highly personal to them, highly meaningful, and is something they really want for that goal to get reached. If it’s not any of these things, it won’t be strong enough to be motivating when life throws a miriad of reasons your way why you shouldn’t follow your goal anymore. It also has to be intrinsic. If you’re doing something solely for someone else, it’s likely to backfire. Even in the example above, he’s also doing it for his wife, but maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to lose her because he loves her and values her. Maybe she’s his person, and he can’t imagine his life without her - those are intrinsic reasons. In this example, when life throws long hours at work at him, friends wanting to socialize, and a host of other things that are bound to come his way, he’s more likely to stay focused on his real motivating factors and continue to work towards his goal - because it’s important to him. If it’s that important to someone - their why is very motivating - they will be determined and stick with their plan. They will show grit in the face of adversity. If it’s not, they will most likely fail. So, when you’re goal setting this year, think of your why, because that will make or break your ability to stay focused on your goal.

Your why is going to be your fulcrum. It’s going to be that point that makes moving a heavy load, or doing something very difficult, more easy. It’s your priority point, the actual reason why you are doing what you do, especially when there is no immediate reward, and the journey is long and difficult. Think of a doctor who endured years of school, and then residency - all that time spent learning and growing so that someday they could help someone else. The 7-10 years they spent in school was treacherous, and the payout was very long term. But their why kept pushing them through it. You need to have a very strong why, something very salient for you.

With a strong why, you will develop the grit and tenacity to see the goal through. You see, the goal setting step is only the starting point. It’s step one of day one. The real work comes after the goal is said or written down. You need to want to reach your finish line, no matter the cost. You need to be willing to make sacrifices to get what you want, and you will have to develop perseverance in the face of adversity to get it. You may lose contacts with friends, as you occupy your free time with your other activities or make room for better choices. It’s just the reality of goals - whether it’s health, business, or family. You have to give up something to get something. You cannot spend more time with your family without giving up work time or social time with friends. You cannot make it in business without sacrificing some family time. You need to pick your goal, make sure the why your doing it is very personal and motivating to you, and be willing to make the sacrifices needed to reach it.

Although to an extreme example, each person who is the most successful in their field - sports, business, entertainment, etc., will probably say that it’s lonely at the top. They had to sacrifice a lot to get where they are at. Now this is an extreme example, but even simply wanting to have that beach ready body will take dedication and sacrifices on your part. But, if the reason why you are doing it is not important enough for you to keep pushing when it gets hard, your odds of failure exponentially increase.

Grit is not talked about enough in counselling circles, or training circles. It is hardly ever mentioned. But, grit is so integral to our achievements that it cannot be overlooked. Successes is not possible without grit. Grit is what keeps you moving forward when you don't feel like it, when more enjoyable opportunities present themselves, and when everything in your world is going sideways.

You want to be a better father - it takes grit.

You want to be a better spouse - it takes grit.

You want to be a healthier person - it takes grit.

You want to be a corporate leader - it takes grit.

You want to be an NBA player - it takes grit.

You want to be a Nobel winning scientist - it takes grit.

Personally, I believe you can accomplish more with grit, or sheer determination, than you can with beautifully written goals that are posted on your bathroom mirror. You need to develop the mindset that you will accomplish your goal, no matter what, no matter the cost, and you will not rest until it’s done. Grit is a mindset. You have to turn the switch on in your head and say to yourself, no matter what, I'm going to do this. Grit mixed with a highly meaningful why is the secret to achieving your goals and staying motivated.