How to Handle a Break Up

You’ve been dumped. Your ex has moved on. How do you pick up the pieces and move on with your life? Im no relationship expert, but I am an expert of sorts in how to get past break ups. What makes me an expert? A failed marriage and a failed engagement less than ten years apart pretty much qualifies me for the role.

Yep, it definitely sucks. You know, the feelings you have - sadness, anxiety, tiredness, lack of appetite, trouble sleeping, irritability, loss and confusion, and perhaps even anger. Feels like you took a double barrel shotgun to the chest and were left for dead. You don’t feel like peeling yourself out of bed, let alone socializing, but you can’t do that. You have to go to work and continue on with life, just faking it and putting a smile on your face. But you know that smile is hollow and tries terribly to hide the turmoil underneath, pretending everything is fine, as you choke back tears in your morning commute to work.

Songs, smells, foods, places, and other things remind you of them. You can’t seem to get them out of your head no matter how hard you try. For a while your mind plays tricks on you - the back of someone’s head, the style of clothes someone wears, and other things make you take a double take, because you swear you just saw your ex out of the corner of your eye. You start seeing them all over town, or at least you think you do. You're literally feeling like you are going out of your mind - and maybe you are a little. You definitely know you are not thinking rationally right now.

Sound familiar? See I told you I was an expert of sorts in these matters. But what the hell do you do when this happens to you? The answer you don’t want to hear right now is that time heals most wounds, and yes, you will get over it eventually. But, if you don’t want to wait months or even years, here’s what I recommend you do right now to start feeling better.

Understand what love is. Love is a chemical addiction. Oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin are the big players in the game. When you break up with someone you love, you actually start a withdrawal process much like an alcoholic or drug abuser would. So, does this mean to feel better you need more of what you're missing? Jumping right back out there in the dating world and adding notches to your belt is a short term fix. You’re getting your needed high (your fix) by using other people. You’re not actually getting over your person, your just chasing the high you got from them in other people. Similarly, using alcohol and drugs temporarily numbs the pain and provides you with a dopamine boost, but your still holding the bag of emotions the next morning when they wear off.

So, if you want to constructively get over that dreaded heartbreak feeling, there’s a better way to go about it. Step one is to get moving. Join a gym if you have to, but just start moving your body. I know you won’t feel like it, but exercise will replace your missing dopamine, serotonin, and give you some endorphins - all of which will help you feel better and happier. Step two is to socialize and have new experiences. When you socialize you will release your own oxytocin, which dips after a break up. You can also get a boost of it from spending time with a pet, or pamper yourself with a massage for a little extra tlc if you want. Having new experiences, meeting new people, going to different places, and trying new things can help you create new neural connections. Why is this important? At the simplest level, if you don’t use it, you lose it. If you keep ruminating about your ex you will be reinforcing existing neural connections you have with them. New experiences create new neural connections, and eventually the old ones stop functioning the way they used to.

Now that your brain is getting a replenishment of neurotransmitters that dip off after a break up, and its neural circuitry is being rewritten, you can also start to shift the focus more on you. Step three is to invest in yourself. Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses, and aim to improve any weaknesses. Whether these be financial, educational, career, or anything else. Take stock of what you need to work on and devise a plan to improve in these areas. Step three is about improving your current situation, which will improve your self esteem and self confidence. You will become a better version of yourself - step three is the level up step. There is nothing negative that will come from you improving yourself, only positive things can happen.

Step four is to learn from the past. Here is where you can figure out what happened with your ex that your are not ok with - in other words, you identify your boundaries and red flags. As you move into a more healed state and are ready to date again, you will recognize what behaviours you will not tolerate in your next partner. These aren’t the relative minor things that give you the "ick", like how they chew their food, but it’s the major things. It’s the things like disrespect, lying, cheating, and being manipulated. Learn to recognize what patterns you fell into in the past so you avoid them in future relationships.

Step five is related to Step One, but is also important in its own right. Make sure your getting proper sleep, eating right, and getting outside. Foods can affect your mood, and so can insufficient sleep. Make sure your eating enough - I know in the beginning you may not feel like eating at all. Also make sure your eating a well balanced diet. Get the macro and micronutrients your body needs. Don't try to run your engine on no fuel or crappy fuel, because you’ll get crappy performance out of it. Your sleep schedule may be messed up in the beginning too, but try to get enough sleep in. Sleep is when your body heals and recovers itself. Sleep is also when neural growth occurs. Recharging your body and brain is very important and should not be overlooked. Lastly, get outside in the sunlight. Sunlight helps you produce vitamin D, which lowers depression. Also, humans weren’t meant to sit inside under artificial lights all the time. Refresh your mind and get outside - go for a walk, socialize with strangers, explore a new place.

The good news about a break up is that the feelings don't last forever. With some productive strategies, you can minimize those heartbreak feelings. You can start working now to feel better, develop self-confidence, reflect, and grow as a person. The main takeaway is to use productive strategies that benefit your overall growth as a person, not short term dopamine boosting activities that only feel good in the moment. Here's a quick recap of how to mend a broken heart:

1. Exercise.

2. Seek new experiences and socialize.

3. Take stock of where you need to improve.

4. Learn from the past.

5. Sleep, eat right, and get outside.