On Accountability

Taking ownership for your actions, or inactions, is a major step towards growth. However, this skill is vastly lacking in today's society. Recently, I've run across two examples from clients that point to a larger, broader, problem in our society in general. I've noticed this trend increase anectodatally over the past decade. People are quick to tell you they didn't do something for almost any imaginable reason, but at the same time, point the finger at you in blame for them not doing what they needed to do. So what does it really mean to be accountable, and how do we get some accountability?

Whether you are trying to get healthy, strengthen your relationship, or budget effectively - really, any areas of you life you want to see a difference or change in - you have to examine what you are doing, as well as what you are not doing. You can only control your behaviours, not those of other people. So realistically, what do you need to do different to see the outcome you desire? The thing with accountability, is that the success or failure of your endevour rests solely on your own shoulders.

People tend to say that they did not do (or did do) x, y, and z, for various reasons. Some may be valid. Others seem like an excuse they have told themselves to make themselves feel better. But, the common thread is that people say they did not do x, y, and z, for reasons that avoid taking accountability for their actions, and thus as a reason to get out of self-blame. For example, a spouse that cheats on their partner, most often than not will say "I did it because" (insert x, y, or z). Thus eliminiting or reducing the blame, guilt, or stigma involved in their actions. However, the fact still remains that they imposed free will to do those actions, regardless of the "because" reason. But rarely, will they see it this way, seeking to minimize their discomfort by not taking accountability and giving elusive reasoning behind their actions. The "because" becomes the escape clause for their actions.

Likewise, a person with poor time management will tell their employer it was never their fault they were late to work, but rather, many unforseen issues arouse that required their time and attention, therefore making them late to work. Another person may say that becoming healthier is too difficult because gyms costs money, they have no time, and healthy food is expensive. The point is, there is always a reason or an excuse as to why people will say they did not, or did do, something. We seek to justify our reasoning, in hopes that our audience will agree with our side of the story. But, our actions, or inactions - our behavoiurs, thoughts, and words - are the issues in question in the first place. And when the audience confirms the persons statements, we often end up enabling their own counterproductive behviours, almost ensuring they will continue to repeat the same behaviour in the future. As a wildy absurd example, if I robbed a bank, but justified it to law enforcement as my behaviour was because inflation is too high, and they let me off the hook, I would most likely rob a bank again in the future. My behaviour had no consequences. My actions were let off the hook, which reinforces my future actions. However, instead of taking accountability and examining my spending habits, creating a budget, or working more - things that are not easy or comfortable - I, like most of society, tries to justify my behaviour to make myself feel better about my personal choices. I look for the easy way out - the escape clause.

I've seen a recovering drug addict threaten that they would resort to using drugs again due to their own inactions. Likewise, I had another person say they couldn't find time over the course of a month to contact me, and now they shouldn't be put into a position of stress that they said was casued by me. These two examples illustrate how people do something, or don't take any action, and then blame others for their own behaviours. The reality is the person they are blaming - in this case, me - has no control over the output. I am not making someone take drugs. I am not purchasing the substance and administering it to them. They are doing that on their own accord. Likewise, I am not making someone not contact me - they are choosing to not contact me, perhaps because more important things to them have come up. People who avoid accountability often forget that they exercise free will in their own decision, which they are ultimately responsible for. For example, I cannot forcibly confine and kidnap someone to bring them to a gym. The person had to have a degree of control to decide they want to go to the gym, and agree to meet me there. Likewise, accountability is someone realizing that there is something in their life that is messed up, and they should speak to someone about it. I cannot force anyone to come to counselling.

The other side of accountability - especially in January, when people commit to new workout regimens and health habits - is that people erroneously think that they need others to hold them accountable. Typially, people will join group fitness classes, or get a workout partner to help them be accountable to a workout schedule. The issue with this, is that accountability is an individual sport. No one else can make you accountable for what you do. Your workout buddy can tell you that you didn't make it to leg day at the gym, and they can try to guilt trip you into going next time, but at the end of the day, only you can hold yourself accountable for what you do - or do not do.

In reality, accountability is just self-truth telling. People will do, and make time for, what they want to do, giving excuses why they did not do what they needed to do. Accountability is about being honest with yourself. You have to exmaine your flaws and faults, and realizing what you have to change. You have to stop making excuses and own up to your own actions or inactions. Like anything else in life, it requries work, and can often be uncomfortable to do. It's realizing that if I don't do x, or y, then z will happen to me. If I don't workout and eat properly, I could develop a chronic disease. No one can make you tell or accept your own truth, except for you. Stop making excuses, stop blaming other people and other things, and take ownership over yourself, your actions, and your life. Instead of saying I didn’t do that because, or I could do that but, remove the because and the but - remove your escape clauses. Own your actions, after all it was you who did them with your own free will.

Lastly, accountability involves recognizing the reward system. Something else may be easier or offer immediate gratification. Recognize it and own it. Having accountability involves putting aside immediate pleasure to do things that benefit you long term. Having accountability involves being accountable to you and the promises you make to yourself - for only you can let yourself down. If you chose to skip the gym to relax after a tough day at work, then recognize you chose comfort over exertion, and recognize that if you promised yourself this year you would get in shape, then you are letting yourself down. It wasn’t a mean boss, a lot of unhappy customers, or a high quota to meet that day that made you not go to the gym - the decision rested on your shoulders.

These days self care is paramount and preached everywhere from the classroom to the boardroom. Dont be too hard on yourself is a common phrase. I agree that you should not develop a negative self image or belittle yourself, but I think that people are not hard on themselves enough. I think with this era of increased stress, financial pressures, and political issues, people are too quick to let themselves off the hook for their own behaviours, or lack of behaviours. People always look for the escape clause. Imagine working hard all day, coming home to a partner that is also stressed and tired, and having to take care of kids. You have to put time and energy into your partner and your kids, but you also have to put energy and time into yourself - whether that’s working out, studying, or doing something for you. You can’t neglect any one of those systems, or the whole structure will become compromised. It involves taking accountability to do the things you need to do, in order to keep the whole structure running well. If something in your life is not running the way you want, what are you doing, or not doing, that is contributing to the problem? Take accountability for your part in the situation, and work on what you need to do to make your life the one that you want - or at least, one that you are happy with. If you're broke, out of shape, stressed out at work, or your relationship is on the rocks, look for accountabililty instead of the escape clause to help solve your issues.